The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
