Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
