I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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