i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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