just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
