I could make wine with my vomit
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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