Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
