I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Randomize
