I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
