the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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