my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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