my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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