What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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