Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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