i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Just pee around me
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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