i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
