i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
