I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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