im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
