Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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