OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I accidentally had phone sex last night
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
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