Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
