wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
