remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
How's work?
Spinning.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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