Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
