I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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