Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
