i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
