When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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