now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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