I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
