Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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