Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
