she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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