i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
