if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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