I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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