I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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