$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
