Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
