This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
