All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
