Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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