i think my tv is drunk
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
