u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
