I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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