so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
