I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
