I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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