apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
