i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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