our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
