I wish I could punch you in the face.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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