Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
