I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
