i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
