I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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