Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Who died my cat blue again?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
