Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize