can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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