I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
