u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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