another moral hangover. fuck.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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