Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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