i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
