Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
